Becoming Nothing for Everything: An open letter to mothers of special needs kids.

Dear Tired Momma,

As I sink into the hot water, exhausted, and all is silent except for the ticking of the wall clock,  I also feel myself sinking into the nothingness that comes in battle.  It’s a familiar place yet one I hate to revisit. ” Again, Lord?”  “But Lord, I thought we were good!”

You know it well.  Life was operating at the status quo, your norm, and then……

So, as I soak in this tub, I start strapping on psychological armor, turning off emotions, allowing nothingness to envelope me, I’m struck by the contrast of emptying myself to the soothing warmth of the water covering my weary body.

Nothingness asks for you to be clinical, concise, goal directed, and it often turns you icy.  Nothingness is when your own fear means nothing.  Your own desires mean nothing.  Your own future plans mean nothing.

Your own desires are nothing….because Everything is on the line…again.

Everything is what you do.  Everything has come to define you even when you fight for your freedom.  Everything needs the systematic, robotic approach.  Everything requires all of you.  Everything results in you turning into a cold and calculated assassin, taking out what ever threatens your EverythingEverything can turn you into the crazy mother, fist pounding the table, steely-eyed, and demanding words spoken in a voice that doesn’t sound like our own while glassy-eyed professionals watch you, but you know that Everything needs you to fight with every ounce of strength she doesn’t have.   Everything survives when you are willing to become Nothing.  THAT, sister, is sacrificial love.

I’d say that’s pretty Christ-like parenting, right there.

Momma of a special one, your shoulders drop and you sigh as you read this because you know, don’t you?

I’m not writing to be psychologically correct, I’m leaving that to the professionals.  I’m writing because it’s when we are raw and honest and transparent that our struggles can be used for good.  It’s when we get brave and share what we hold in secret that we can give another momma some hope, something to cling to!

Yes, I know you don’t feel anything but a bone-deep fatigue.  I know you don’t feel that sweet momma love that comes with our tiny innocents.  I know you can’t find joy in your Everything right now.

Yes, I know you feel enormous guilt because you can’t find that all-consuming love and that palpable joy that is instinctive to mothers.

Yes, I know the tears flow in spite of a disconnect to any true and identifiable emotion.

Yes, I know that in spite of covering those previous battle wounds with the band-aids of experience, the scabs are getting scraped off and the oozing is just a slow trickle of sadness from somewhere deep within.

I want to suggest you don’t feel tender love at this present time because God is holding your heart out of your chest.  Its weight is simply too much for you.  Its wild beating must be calmed by the very One who created it, by the One who created your Everything.  Its screaming, raw emotions are too much for you to comprehend, to contain. You can’t be directed by it!  So, He holds it while you and your nothingness go to work…to battle.

When you are ready, He stands with his open hands, holding your beautiful, intact heart, and releasing it back to you. He has infused it with all His love, and it is overflowing, ready to abundantly pour over your Everything.  That’s the beauty of it!  We never have to remain in that empty place!  God has all you need, oh he is champion of HIS beloved Everything.  Remember, it is His Spirit within you who has given you the strength to wage war on His child’s behalf.

  Your Everything was His Everything before the start of time.

For now, allow yourself to crawl up onto Abba’s lap.  Allow Him to wrap you in his arms.  When a quiet moment comes, and it will come, go there.  Sit with Him while he holds your heart.  Cry with Him.  Rest in Him.  Accept His peace.  Give him Everything, for he loves her more than you do.  Give him your nothingness, and he will give you your full and rested heart.

Sister, this is a way of life we moms of special ones need to embrace.  Our Everythings require much, but our Abba is bigger than all the heartaches, disappointments, failures, and flat out scary unknowns special needs can throw at us.

Know, this day, that what you are doing will always make a difference, even if you don’t see it on this side of heaven.

Know, this day, that all the days you become nothing to benefit your Everything are pleasing to your Lord.

 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’  Matthew 25.40  NLT

Know, this day, that you are not alone.

With love,

Everything’s momma

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