Marriage

On the No-Shower Days

Battle-weary from warring with worry, dazed and confused from the hard fall after the rug got pulled from beneath your planted feet, and insulated in isolation from the human interaction you desperately need, you find yourself staring at that familiar image in the mirror.  If only you could sneak in a 5-minute date with the tub.  A little too familiar?  A few too many no-shower days?

When life is providing challenges, it’s easy to fall into a few of Satan’s well-hidden traps.  If we learn to become vigilant and become skilled at recognizing and disarming them, we stay steady on our journey, and the no-shower days don’t hold as much power as they otherwise would.

Let’s visit a few of the deceiver’s favorite go-to snares otherwise known as lies.

Catastrophizing.

This is where you imagine the worst of outcomes.   Your inner Buzz Lightyear is screaming, “This will last to infinity and beyond!”  This present affliction has to be the absolute biggest and baddest of all big and bad things.   In this place, convincing yourself that this difficult day is destined to be repeated for the next 365 comes easy.  Words like “never” and “forever” and “always” ricochet in your brain space, piercing any positivity you might cling to.  You obsess over the current cause of your hygiene hiatus and believe you will never again shower.  Each of us have our own bait-lines that when swallowed, pull us into the abyss of despondency.  What are yours?

Ruminating. 

In an article titled “Rethinking Rumination” in Perspectives in Social Science, the authors give an excellent definition for rumination…

“rumination is a mode of responding to distress that involves repetitively and passively focusing on symptoms of distress and on the possible causes and consequences
of these symptoms. Rumination does not lead to active problem solving to change circumstances surrounding these symptoms.  Instead, people who are ruminating remain fixated on the problems and on their feelings about them without
taking action.” 1

If your thoughts have become the equivalent of a bad vine on YouTube, identify them now.

Enumerating.

Keeping track of your woes?  Adding up insults?  Tabulating troubles?  Multiplying misery?  How often do we count our burdens when we should be counting our blessings?  Becoming an accountant for the adversary is nothing but nonproductive.   It’s easy on the sans-bath days to start a lengthy list of all you do for the others in your life.  What are you logging into your mind’s ledger?

Generalizing.

Sweeping generalizations, the labeling of all of life.  One terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day does not mean they all will be.  Even if the present circumstance does permeate more time than we would choose, it will get better.  It will get easier.  We become healthy when we accept, adjust, and adapt.  Have you painted over a brilliant fine line of promise with a wide brush stroke of generalization today?

Victimizing.

It is far too easy to adopt a victim mentality on the hard days.  Human nature seeks to place blame on someone or something tangible.  We step right into the snares called “If only” and “why can’t”.  Here’s the deal;  bad things happen, people fail us, not everything comes with a labeled reason.  No matter what the source of your pain is, you get to choose whether you will live as a victim or victor.  Taking control of your thought life is the first step in becoming the latter.  Who do you tend to “blame” for your no-shower days?

The Solution:  Spirit-filled mindfulness. 

Mindfulness, apart from spirituality, is defined by Psychology Today as:  “a state of active, open attention on the present. When you’re mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.”

Mindfulness tells Buzz Lightyear that he’s overly dramatic.  When truly mindful, we can be aware that this no-shower day is actually a no-shower hour because we are simply in the moment, hour, day.   It grounds us in this truth:

Therefore, don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself.  Matthew 6:34

See, even the Father instructs us to stay in the present!

With spiritual mindfulness, we can purposely list our blessings,  identify joy in mundane moments, cultivate a garden of gratitude as children of a loving God who holds the future we fear.

Rejoice always!  Pray constantly.  Give thanks in everything, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  1Thessalonians 5:16-18 (HCSB)

Here’s the best part!  As Christ-followers, we have an abundance of help.  We are empowered by the Holy Spirit to be discerning of our thoughts and motives.  He is waiting to gently and graciously expose those destructive thought patterns which make us so vulnerable to Satan’s lies.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit – the Father will send Him in My name – will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you.  Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Your heart must not be troubled or fearful.    John 14:26 (HCSB)

When we allow The Spirit to control our thought live vs. dialing him up for damage control, our no-shower days aren’t so distressing and the image we see as we pass the mirror is not that of a worried and worn-out woman, but that of a gentle and quiet spirit who just happens to be tired.  Big difference, my friends.

In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings.  And He who searches the hearts knows the Spirit’s mind-set, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  Romans 8:26-27 (HCSB)

So, you there with the greasy hair and the baggy sweats, know first that you are loved fiercely by your Father God.  Become obsessed with that.  Ruminate on that.  Count the ways He loves you.

BE MINDFUL OF HIM WHO LONGS TO FILL YOUR MIND!

For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, hostile powers, height or depth , or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38-39 (HCSB)

Make a plan for your next no-shower day.  Right now!!!  Here’s your have-ready list:

  • Scripture verses that hold great meaning to you personally.
  • A positive statement in BIG letters for a prominent place.  i.e. “This too shall pass” or “I am loved by the King” or “He knows”.
  • A dry erase marker for your bathroom mirror.  Draw a happy face every time you visit that room.  Don’t forget to smile back at it.
  • Start a blessings list now and add to it ON your rough days.
  • A play-list of your favorite inspirational music.

Blessings my friends!

(1) (http://drsonja.net/wp-content/themes/drsonja/papers/NWL2008.pdf)

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Validation versus Valuation

I saw her on social media.  She was beautiful.  Young, fresh faced, and glowing.  She had a cowgirl hat on and a cute plaid shirt but was pulling her shirt open to one side to expose a lacy, blue bra.  A blatant tease for any male that happened upon it.  A begging for attention albeit only the sexual kind.  She was very validated by men and women alike with comments and “likes”, but all I could see was the longing for someone to value her for what lies beneath the beauty.

It looks  different for us older women, but I fear it is much the same.  Our audience changes and most probably our activities, but the desire for validation remains.

Any of us who spend any time on social media or television see it all the time.  We read it all the time.  As a woman and mother to daughters and granddaughters, I have this urge to scream at the screen…..”you’ve got it all wrong!  We’ve got it all wrong!”
I could expound on the evils of social media, television, advertising, the movie industry, objectification of women, the music industry, the porn industry, etc. all of which feed female insecurity about our bodies, our choices, our style, our individuality, our interests, but I won’t.   That’s all been hashed out hundreds of times.   I don’t want to distract you from the issue at hand:

Validation is not the same as Valuation.

We are allowing Satan, the Father of Lies to confuse us.  He wants you to search for validation from the world, from people.  He wants you to believe your worth is tied to being validated in the here and now by those around you.   He wants to make you forget your true valuation is found in Christ alone.  You can be validated by words of affirmation or the click of a “like” on your Facebook page but you will never be valued by other humans like Abba values you.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8

Having others find your words and actions valid is not what your soul desires.  Validation from others will never quench that thirst.  Your soul cries for the deep, undefinable value that comes as a grace gift from God.  Can you accept it?

We live in this global world where lives are on display more than ever before.

The average Josie can plaster herself all over the world-wide web with a quick selfie and a click of the post button.  She begs for valuation but only gets validation that yes, she is beautiful with all kinds of emojis to go along.  God does not value outward beauty.  He values your eternal,  inside self.   The part of you he wants in eternity with Him.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Proverbs 31:30

The average Josie can blog…average self included.  Why all the bloggers out there?  Why thousands of opinions on how to stop a 2-year-old temper tantrum or successfully raise a teenager….Well, we are quite possibly looking for validation from the masses that we do, indeed, have great wisdom and skill.  It is possible God does not value our faulty wisdom, especially that which he has not imparted.  He values our minds and desires that we seek to find Him in every portion of our day, Him!!

The average Josie can share her successes, and those of her kids with all her devoted friends who will in turn be awed and amazed at the stealthy way she navigates the challenges of daily life while they salivate over the delicious meals she serves her family (insert Instagram) while their family eats yet another cardboard pizza.  She is validated by the likes and comments.  God does not value your meatloaf and get this….probably not even your child’s math grade.  He values you!  He values your heart!  He values your child’s heart!  How sadly we unknowingly teach our children to seek validation for works and effort instead of teaching them how very precious they are to Abba both in failure and success.  Visit Mary and Martha in Luke 10.

C’mon ladies.  Be honest.  It feels good to have validation.  I’m guilty as charged!

I’m not saying you need to dump social media, and I am not saying you dump personal responsibility because God values you in any state.   I’m saying you need to know what matters.  I’m saying you need to know WHO matters.  The lover of your soul, that’s who.

Let’s break it down.

Validation is to recognize, establish, or illustrate the worthiness or legitimacy of *you*.  Merriam Webster until the *you*.

Validation is something we seek to obtain from other human beings.  It is self serving.  It feeds our hunger to succeed. It is usually self contained and doesn’t place God in his rightful position.  The need for validation increases as we lose sight of our valuation.

Valuation, on the other hand, is how much something is worth, and the estimator who holds the precious object in His hands determines that worth.  You are so highly valued by God that he paid for you with the life and blood of his only son, Jesus Christ.

For God so loved the world (You) that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.  John 3:16.

  We freely speak it, but do we believe it?

When we let God’s valuation of us start to sink into the cracks of our public facade, it is God honoring.  It is at that moment when His radiance shines through us and our actions. More of Him and oh, so much less of us.  It is at that moment when our value in Christ Jesus is apparent for our families, our friends, and the world to see.  What great hope for all the wounded and empty women in our upside down world.

Take a moment to ask yourself where you are looking for validation.   Are you chasing it down as some kind of idol?  Now, consider who you are as a daughter of the King who formed every cell in your body by divine design.   Is there anyone you can imagine valuing so much that you would hand your child over for sacrifice to save that person?  No, but you are!  God values you that much.  If we were to start living out this knowledge, what would our homes, families, marriages, churches, jobs, etc. look like?

FOR THE MARRIED ONES:  A reminder…

Far too often, I look to my husband to be the one to value me the way only a Holy and Perfect Abba can.  Women, we need to take that pressure off our men.  They are but mere humans just like us.  We set them up for failure and set ourselves up for a stream of resentment when we look for them to fill the role of God.  I look at my own marriage and must ask myself, “what emotional energy do I require my husband to expend trying to prove I am valuable as Jesus holds his hands out to me with my pricetag still showing on his flesh”?